2015. I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe I can now say I had a baby LAST YEAR.

With Emelia crawling, pulling herself up and walking along the couch, and teething happening all at once, I’ve been busy. At this stage, motherhood is both a physical and emotional challenge. On days like today when she boycotts naps and fusses when she’s normally always happy, I have to remind myself that even if I’m not 100% sure about what’s bothering her, even if I’m exhausted, I am enough. I’m her momma, and I’m enough. Others will try to comfort her, but she wants me, because I’m her momma, and I’m enough. I’m doing it right, because I’m being her mom. I’m doing it right because I love her.

This week we celebrated Emelia’s 9 month birthday with the family in New Jersey. It’s been a blast catching up with everyone. It’s nice to have so much help with Emi. Someone is always ready to feed her, put her to sleep, change her diaper, and I am loving watching her interact with her cousins. It brings back memories of me interacting with my own cousins growing up. Growing up with my cousins made my childhood special and even a bit magical. Our make believe games were probably what sparked my passion for reading and writing fiction. Although my relationships with my cousins have changed and we’ve grown apart, I will cherish the memories and I hope the distance between Emi and her cousins in NJ won’t prevent her from building relationships with them. I could sit and watch them play and giggle for hours. It’s so precious.

The last time we were visiting family here, I was quite pregnant. It was just before the preterm labor kicked in. It was rather peaceful. I remember being here and wondering what life would be like once my baby was born. I think my hand was on my belly constantly, trying to savor the mystery of being kicked by my own child who grew and thrived in my womb.

All night on December 31st, I felt a bit uneasy and wondered what we were celebrating.  The topic of conversation revolved around New Year resolutions, looking forward to the year ahead, and starting over, but all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold onto 2014. About how much I loved 2014.

On the first day of 2015, I woke up feeling nostalgic. So I made a list. I made a list of my favorite moments of 2014:

Telling Mgo we were expecting

Hearing Emelia’s heartbeat for the first time

Spending time with my mom while on bed rest

Watching my parents and sister meet Emelia for the first time hours after she was born

Putting Emelia to sleep in her Pack ‘n Play for the first time in our bedroom the day we brought her home from the hospital

Yellow Birdie Co going live

Seeing Emelia smile for the first time

Hugging Mgo seconds before 2015, both of us getting a little emotional as we realized what a scary, wonderful year we’d just had

2014, I love you.

As promised, I am hosting my first Giveaway, celebrating 100 Likes!

I am giving away one of my handmade knit cowls. It’s knit in a lacy pattern, in the color “gold.” This is my favorite color this season! It is part of the collection of infinity cowls that will be available for purchase in my upcoming Etsy shop! This will be a random draw and if your name is chosen, I will ship it directly to you!

Here’s how to enter:
1. “Like” Ode to Story’s Facebook page or follow me on Instagram @odetostory. (If you do both, you have a higher chance of getting chosen!)
2. Share a direct link of your favorite post from my blog on your own Facebook wall or Instagram feed by visiting http://www.odetostory.com (direct link is in the left sidebar). Be sure to click on the title of your favorite post and copy and paste the link. To enter on Facebook, post the link on your personal Facebook wall and tag Ode to Story. For Instagram, take a screen shot of your favorite post and post it on your picture feed, tagging @odetostory and using the hashtag #odetostory.

That’s it! You have 48 hours to enter! I will announce the winner on Friday.

This morning I realized that I didn’t have anything to cook with. Mgo usually stops at the store on his way home if I need anything. But today I was in the mood for an adventure. I needed an onion for my lentil soup. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone. So I decided to take Emi on an adventure. We took a trip to Trader Joe’s.

Believe it or not, this was the first time I took her to the grocery store. As a first-time nursing mom, outings with a newborn were stressful for a long time. When we first had her around, we would have to time things just right. I would nurse her, and then it would be a mad dash out the door. Diapers? Check. Nursing cover? Check. Blankets? Check. Pacifiers? Check. Diapers. Check again. And we would have an hour or two before she needed to be fed again. It was crazy, but once in a while, we would do it. Sometimes, I just needed to get out. It was cabin fever. It was an excuse to change out of our pajamas.

The first time I went out with her on my own, I believe it was something along the lines of packing up the diaper bag, strapping her in her car seat, going through a Starbucks drive-thru, and coming home. I was so proud of myself when I got home. Success!

Today I fumbled with my keys, put the shopping cart cover on backwards, fixed it, forgot my list in the trunk, then slowly rolled the cart through the double doors, making sure she wasn’t bobbing all over the place. I went toward the produce section and completely blanked on why I even came here. Do we really need anything? What was I going to make tonight? Oh yes. An onion! I proceeded to fill my cart with things I normally don’t buy, and now know I don’t need. As I surmised a bottle of ranch dressing, a woman casually strolled by.

How adorable, she said.

Thank you, I said.

She’s cute, so be careful, she continued.

Be careful?

Yeah, someone might snatch her away, she said with a straight face.

I smiled and mumbled a thank you. Then I rushed away awkwardly because my legs suddenly felt like jell-o. I started sweating profusely. I mean, really? REALLY?

We perused the aisles, and she was mesmerized by all the colors and sounds. I tried to get her attention, but she barely heard me. She was too busy taking it all in. So I watched her, and I really didn’t buy much. I even almost forgot my onion.

While I loaded her and the groceries in the car, a homeless man came around with his own cart. He kept pushing for some change or food or help. I wasn’t really sure, because I was busy trying to juggle it all – I wasn’t used to doing this with a baby in tow. And when I finally got us in the car and turned on the ignition, the man bumped my car with his cart, upset that I wasn’t paying attention to him. Kinda scary. Kinda crazy. I kinda almost cried.

But I did it. I took Emelia to the grocery store all by myself. I got my onion. It was fun. It was kind of empowering.

So what if we ended up ordering take out tonight?

I see you sitting there, filled with equal parts excitement and distress. Parents and non-parents alike are all repeating a mantra as soon as they see you and your large belly, a slogan that has been shared so many times, it’s become custom to recite it to all mothers-to-be. And because you’re you, you smile and listen patiently. And because you’re you, you are skeptical and nervous, because the speech always ends with them repeating that it will take a long time for you to feel like yourself again. You sometimes feel like a fugitive because you are running away from all the warnings hurled at you. In here, in this place of in-between, you begin to wonder what feeling like yourself actually means and what it will be like to not feel like yourself.

But now that your daughter is half a year old, I can tell you from experience that motherhood won’t make you stop feeling like you.

Because what makes you you now is the ability to gracefully accept change. I know you. You get bored when life stays the same for too long. But it never does stay the same. For anyone. So take a breath. And listen.

Remember that time you met a boy and were afraid he’d ruin your plans? You were afraid that falling in love and getting married would fast forward your life to mundane. You weren’t ready for stable or safe. You wanted adventure. But you ended up taking on the role of wife and pastor’s wife even though it felt like stepping off the cliff of independence and falling into what you always thought you’d run away from. You thought you left your dreams of traveling and writing a book behind. Now you’re married and are doing both.

Before you married that man, you told him you didn’t want kids. Then the desire to have a baby creeped in, and as much as you wanted to push it away, it took over, like your daily cravings for chocolate ice cream topped with sour patch kids and a side of ginger ale. It was as if the love you had for your husband was too much to bear. You were bursting. And the only way to tame it was to become parents with him.

And you stared at your positive pregnancy test and wondered if this was it. If this was what was going to scare you off. The you that you held so tightly onto. If it would change your life so much that you’d spend the rest of it searching for the pieces of you that you lost along the way.

That because of all this you would be a horrible mother.

Every time you feel a kick and wonder if you’ll resent her. I remember.

I can tell you that what you will lose and miss most is sleep. You will lose the luxury of privacy. You will lose the ability to keep your house tidy and organized. You may never eat a full meal without an interruption again. Time will no longer exist. You will lose the ability to worry about yourself.

But now, six months into motherhood, you’re more you than you’ve ever been. Every day, you watch Emelia discover something new about herself and about the world. And in this way, you are rediscovering yourself. You are finding that there’s things about you that you never new existed. You never bothered to recognize them. Your little girl exhibits things that are oh so familiar.

You are learning that you are stronger than you thought you were. You just never had an opportunity to showcase your resilience. You will be pushed to be brave for the sole purpose of protecting your family. You will smile just hours after you face one of the darkest moments of your life. What will bring out the you in you is pure vulnerability and extreme love for a child. For your daughter.

Go ahead. Let your tears fall. I know you don’t want anyone to see, but know that soon your daughter will be watching and learning. And your tears will be a sign that you exist, that you have a heart that’s ever-changing, remaining the you that you have always been, and always will be.

In just a few short months, motherhood will force you to be more you than you’ve ever been. A you that’s just a bit more tired, suddenly ready to go to bed before 9 p.m. You have upped your coffee intake and are buzzing with caffeine, which leads you to be more productive than ever. You are knitting cowls and making homemade candles. Yeah. I know. It doesn’t sound like you, but it is you. You used to be a homebody, but now you get excited about the mere prospect of getting some Target fresh air, roaming through the baby aisles with confidence, and lingering in the candy aisle.

You are now living life intentionally. Every moment is a learning experience for Emi and for you. You already see so much of you in her, and now you know that you will always be you. The ever-changing, ever-adapting you. And you will hope that she will be content with the parts of you that are a part of her.

So take heart and go take a nap. Rest easy. Six months into motherhood, you are still feeling like you. And somehow, you know you always will.

When I was pregnant, it seemed that every mom I came across, even strangers, wanted to give me advice. They wanted to prepare me for what was ahead.

Sleep now. You’re not going to be getting any rest once your baby arrives!

Sleep when the baby sleeps.

The most important thing is putting your baby on a schedule.

The most important thing is not putting your baby on a schedule and just going with the flow

Enjoy your time with your husband now, because your relationship will never be the same.

Don’t let her get too clingy. Put her in her own room right away.

Some of this may be good advice. I thought about what they told me, but I didn’t dwell on these things too much. I was just so excited. All I thought about was that I was going to meet my baby soon. I knew life would change forever. After all, suddenly we would be a family of three instead of just two. Instead of stressing, I spent time quietly rubbing my belly and telling my little girl I would protect her and care for her. I told her I would support her even if she didn’t love art like her momma and wanted to be a chemist. I told her I’d be the best mom I could be.

What no one told me was that I would worry. A lot. There’s something so distinct about being a mom. You feel worry all the time and you can’t shake it, even if you know your baby is okay. You feel the worry in your bones. And you’re alone with it. You realize that no one else in the world will feel the love you feel for your child. And I don’t think it’s because you carried her in your body for nine months or endured through her birth. It’s not because you spend more time with her than anyone else. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Sometimes in the middle of the night while I nurse her, I stare at her little face, her little hands that flail about, grabbing at my hair, resting on her own head, and I wonder if she will like me. Will we get along? Will I know what to do when she has her first fever? When she wants to do something I never had the courage to do? Will I be brave enough to mother her wholeheartedly?

Becoming a mom for the first time is like getting a new job, one that you’ve had no training for. But it’s so different, because it’s not a job. It’s a privilege. It’s you taking on a whole new purpose, and you’re completely transformed. And I know she knows that I’m it. When we are in a crowd and she’s being passed around, she turns her head this way and that, looking for me. Then she locks eyes with me and stares me down. Panic sets in. She wants me.
And sometimes I feel like I’m drowning. It’s because of this overwhelming pull – an all-consuming need to be near her and care for her. Sometimes I feel like I need a break and I take one, but before an hour goes by, I want to be with her again.

Yesterday, Mgo fed her oatmeal. I watched as she reached for and squeezed his hand every time he brought the small, blue spoon to her lips. He opened his mouth and she watched him and did the same. She grabbed the spoon and smeared the oatmeal in her hair and stuck it up her nose. There were moments when she would sit back and just smile at him. And my heart nearly exploded.

No one told me that it will feel like parts of my very soul exist outside of my body but that the sight of my husband interacting with my daughter will make me feel whole.

No one told me there will come a time when you will realize you have got the hang of things. Suddenly you feel brave instead of scared. You begin to trust your instincts. You let go of your insecurities and embrace the fact that what you’re feeling is no longer worry.

It’s transition.

It’s the final struggle before your old self meshes with your new self.

It’s the realization that you’re still you.

It’s motherhood.

Exactly eight years ago today, Mgo and I took a long walk in my parents’ neighborhood. We had met a year prior and had gotten a taste of what a long distance relationship was like. It took a toll on both of us. We were hesitant to tell each other what we were thinking, but we finally realized we were both scared to keep things going because we were so far away from one another. I, for one, was scared to be in a relationship with someone I barely knew. Yes, we talked for hours on the phone each day. We wrote each other letters, emails, texts, and sent each other gifts in the mail, but it wasn’t enough. We weren’t in each others circle of friends. We couldn’t attend each others family get togethers. We couldn’t be spontaneous. We couldn’t be a typical couple. However, as we walked, all I could think about was how much I didn’t want it to end.

We walked and walked and walked until we finally stopped in front of a gas station. We had shared all of our concerns, but we were still holding hands. He pointed to something behind me and when I turned around, there was a sign that read “Take time to smell the roses.” And right there, we made a pact. We would stay together, even though it was hard. We wouldn’t dwell on the bad and take time to enjoy the good things happening in our relationship. No matter how difficult life got, we would trust God.

And we stuck together.

And life got difficult.

Recently, Mgo went to Armenia on a mission trip. While there, he led a seminar on preparing for marriage. He shared our story. When he read it to me prior to his trip, I was a bit overwhelmed. I hadn’t realized how many hardships we have actually faced during our life together.

How sick I got during our first winter in Rhode Island. The year of aggressive testing and treatment to diagnose me with Fibromyalgia, which led to depression. Mgo’s mom battling cancer. Mgo having to live with a woman who was slowly losing herself. Enduring a year of unemployment when God called us out of the church in Rhode Island. Bed rest during my pregnancy, fourteen trips to triage, and the traumatic birth of Emelia during which we both faced death.

I’d never really thought about it all. In the midst of the afflictions, I was definitely weakened and frustrated. However, God ALWAYS pulled us through, even when it felt like we’d never get answers or relief. Even if I was angry with Him. Even if I didn’t always cling to Him.

While battling my symptoms and waiting for a diagnosis, I met a young woman who was diagnosed with arthritis at a young age. And she became a source of God’s indelible grace, coaching me through the entire process and encouraging me to face the frustration I was feeling. She is one of the most encouraging people I know. Her, her husband and kids are now family to us. They are a gift. Mgo’s mom fought and won and has been cancer-free for years now. God led us to Fresno, and just like in Rhode Island, we are beyond blessed by the church. Although I had a difficult pregnancy and delivery, and despite all the scares that Emelia wasn’t healthy, she made it and is thriving.

I know that He will hold our hands when the next trial comes. He will walk us through each tribulation, even if they last a long time. Even if we don’t always get a happy outcome.

And thinking back on my time with Mgo, even though we have encountered a lot of hardships, I wouldn’t change a thing.

It has been the best time of my life.

I know it’s morning, but I keep my eyes closed. I hear the shuffle of his footsteps on our mostly new carpet and then the shower comes on. Just two more minutes. I purse my lips because my muscles are tense and achy. I turn onto my back and take a few deep breaths and try to relax them, starting at my toes and working my way up to my head. As my body wakes, the pain intensifies. I sit with it for a moment. A small pity party ensues. I turn on my side.

I’m suddenly aware of the sound of rain. It’s pelting down on something hard. It’s dramatic yet calming. I realize I forgot to turn Emelia’s sound machine down last night. I open my eyes and see her feet up in the air. The screen goes light to dark to light again as her legs go up and down. She’s babbling. Lots of aghas and ahhs. She looks around her room in wonder, like she’s never seen it before.

Our room smells like Irish Spring soap.

“Morning,” he says, adjusting his tie. “Is she up?”

I smile and we both watch the screen for a while. She finds her yellow pacifier and tries to put it in her mouth. She misses and slurps loudly on her fingers.

He goes in and changes her diaper while I brush my teeth. I hear him talk to her and she squeals.

“Be good for momma today,” he says. He gives me a worried look.

I smile. “Hope you have a good day.”

He hands her to me. We kiss.

Emi runs her hand across my nose, cheeks and lips. She gets her fingers stuck in my hair and I try to remember the last time I washed it.

I put my hair up. We rock in the chair for a while. She kicks excitedly when I open and close my fingers in the air while singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” It’s her favorite. When the song is over, she looks up at me and smiles. She pats my chin.

After some time in her swing and another diaper change, it’s time for her nap. She wriggles around in my arms and buries her face in my shoulder. I close her blinds and walk her around the room. I sing “Jesus Loves Me” and feel her warm, milky breath against my neck.

“I love you,” I say, and put her in her crib.

There’s a glimpse of panic in her eyes. She holds my hand tight. I put her pacifier in her hands and guide it to her mouth. She goes cross eyed while she concentrates on it. It’s in her mouth. I give her a kiss and tip toe out of the room.

I think she’s asleep. The door creaks loudly when I start to pull it shut.

I freeze. No. Sleep. Sleep. Go back to sleep. She’s doesn’t move. Her hands are gripping her pacifier.

I let the dog out and look out the window. I consider going for a swim. The pain in my leg reminds me to take it easy. The Keurig gurgles and I take my warm mug to the office.

I look out the window and see a mom and a stroller full of twins. Her pajama pants are dragging on the concrete, and her shirt is a few sizes too large.

The leaves on our tree are green and plentiful, shaking in the breeze. I realize it’s August. Summer is almost gone.

I flip open my laptop and my fingers get to work. “I know it’s morning, but I keep my eyes closed.”

There have been many times when I’ve wanted to rush to my computer and update you all, but my time is consumed with my sweet Emelia, and I am loving it. There were moments when Emelia was down for the night and I sat in bed, trying to write a post. Most of those times I fell asleep while typing. The other times, I literally couldn’t put what I am experiencing into words. Don’t get me wrong. I have been writing a ton about Emelia. However, I feel like I owe it to myself and to you all to at least begin to try to share about what being a mom is like. So, here goes.

Motherhood is so hard yet so easy. It’s tiring yet invigorating. It’s frustrating yet exciting. In the beginning, I really had no idea what I was doing. There were many times when I held my tiny, screaming bundle in front of me and asked her what she needed. She cried and cried, and so did I.

It seemed like she nursed every hour for the first couple of weeks, so I was not sleeping. My mom or Mgo would take her into the living room between feedings during the day so I could catch up on sleep. And then I would hear it. The frantic huffing, whining, crying, so I held my breath and said a prayer. But, alas, the bedroom door would open, gently, quietly, and a nervous Mgo would appear.

“Um, cutie? I think…”
“Yes, I know!” I would scream, the tears already welling. “Give her to me!”

My poor husband sat with me and encouraged me while I cried and Emelia nursed…every single feeding. He’s seriously amazing.  

I’m learning that the beauty about motherhood is that it gets easier as you get to know your kid. It’s a total shock at first. Suddenly, after nine months of taking extra care of yourself, your focus is completely on another little human being, one that needs you ALL THE TIME. However, with help and advice from some of my mommy friends and Mgo’s constant support, I slowly put her on a schedule so that she had a routine. She was much happier and I was able to decipher what her needs were at certain times of the day.

Fast forward four months and nighttime feedings have slowed down a bit. However, recently, when I was in LA, she was having a rough week. I believe it was the rightly dreaded four month sleep regression. One night, I decided to meet up with a friend. I parked my car and walked towards her. I’m glad she was waiting for me in the lot, because she informed me that my car was still running. I had parked it and walked away with the keys in the ignition. That night, I realized that I haven’t slept longer than a three hour stretch at a time since April 3rd. Sleep deprivation is in full swing. I HATE that part.

And in the midst of it all, I have developed a staring problem. When I was pregnant, I couldn’t wait to meet Emelia. Now that she’s here, I can’t take my eyes off her. Not only because she’s adorable (I’m a little biased) but because she’s just so interesting. Every day, she does something new and it’s so fascinating to watch. This week, she discovered her feet. I’ll surround her with toys, but all she wants to do is reach for her toes. She watches them so intently. When she wakes up from her naps early, she can’t go back to sleep because she’s so entranced by them. Yup. Big stuff happening here.

One thing is for certain: I am not “super” mom. I gagged the first time I pulled a ginormous booger out of Emi’s nose. I sometimes roll my eyes when she gets too needy between naps. I say a bad word or two at 2 a.m. when she wakes for an unnecessary feeding after a long, fussy day. I take long showers so I can be alone and think non-baby related thoughts only to make a mental list of how I can improve as a mother. The house is never particularly clean. There’s always laundry to be washed, folded, and put away. The sink is seldom empty. Last night’s dinner was a frozen pizza from Trader Joe’s. My purses are filling up with receipts, grocery lists, and gum wrappers because I don’t have time to clean them out. Sometimes I’m so tired that I forget to change her 1 a.m. diaper so her 4 am diaper is too full.

And I’ve learned to be okay with a house that’s untidy and hair that’s always disheveled, because I want to bask in each sweet moment with my family.

I don’t want to miss a thing.